Well … I for one am glad you’re going.

I was getting bored of you. Yeah that’s right … you heard! Bored.

Your coffee was always cold; it’s no sugar for the umpteenth time; you always refused to swallow; nobody likes ethnic music played on didgeridoo’s; you dance like Elaine from Seinfeld and my toes will never recover; you gave more attention to the animals than me - I’m needy, don’t you get it; you could have bluffed you swallowed - just once …; lavender is not a good food spice - try salt you lunatic; I’m tired of paying for meals and dirty weekends … it’s time you stumped up just once; spitting out and shouting ‘yuck!’ Is not sexy, not at all; and no, Brussels sprouts don’t make your farts smell more ‘earthy’ … it stinks.

So, let me say this … you’re not leaving me! I’m leaving you ! … you know when you decided to go, I’d ALREADY decided to leave you. Yeah that’s right … I thought it first - so there! How’d you like them 🍎 🍏!!

And … and … I want the wooden rung I gave you to my tree house ladder back. You banned! For life. That’s a VERY long time you know. I asked my mum and she said it’s more than 3 sleeps.

I’ve decided no more girls allowed in the tree-house gang. And I want my heart shaped one pound cherry flavoured sucker sweet that I bought you, back - and pronto lady. I’m not joking. If you take one more lick of that sucker …

And for the record … I’m not even sad. Not one bit. I never really liked you - I was always bluffing!

When you wrote those wonderfully kind responses to my stories, and I knew I’d found someone who really ‘got me’ … and I was happy in my chest - it wasn’t real - I was acting! Wadaya say about that - Hollie Polly ya look 👀 like a dolly! Huh … wadaya say about THAT.

So no … you can’t leave me. Never… I’m leaving YOU. First.


See you on the other side. Everything will be alright.

Uve out!