We have come to expect a certain standard of writing from you, and I was going to pass comment, until I read:-

“My daughter emailed Russia” (paraphrased), and you immediately redeemed yourself.

And then slapping your neck to us to a happy place.

My gas, water and electric guys ask if ‘the wife is in’ … and if not, they just leave.

She may be banging them. I’m not entirely sure but they don’t want me - sexually or otherwise.

I loved this story. Mostly because I relate … and your dad, is my wife.