A few of mine:

Of course that’s too much bacon. It doesn’t matter if it is “all you can eat” - that’s a statement not a dare, honey.

I’m not making tea, I’m making coffee.

I’m ok with these sheets. If they’re bothering you, maybe YOU should change them.

How did you ‘forget’ to pick the kids up from school. Who forgets he has kids?

Loved this piece.