It’s about my top-10 movie choices! — Should I give her one? A divorce that is. I have a sneaky feeling the Judge would dismiss her case based on poor judgment. She thinks I’m a wonderfully attentive husband and father, and as I cook 99.7% of all family meals, it’s created a small dilemma for her. Who…

Unbelievable but true. — This guy was the perfect Robin Hood, only he kept the proceeds for himself. As my father used to say … “charity starts at home”. He didn’t include car washes or anything special, he followed the cardinal rule of success. Keep it simple! Cheap parking. I love this guy and…

You have to be on your toes when dealing with bored kitchen staff — One of the first lessons I learned in a restaurant kitchen, was an old German head chef telling me, “these chefs have got the whole fucking day to find a way to get a pea past your eyes, without you seeing it, never think you can defeat them.” What he…

Because for sure, his security name changes — No President has had more derogatory nicknames. And to be honest, he has earned them all. He has gone from The Donald, to Potus, back to just Donald, — minus The, and onto Dump, with the people. …

But I can cook an amazing lobster thermidor. — I emerged from our bedroom in my blue paint-splotched overalls. And made my way into the kitchen to start a brew of coffee. Instead of builders’ tea, I was making a coffee. I’m not afraid to swim against the current that way. My wife looked up from the kitchen table…

And then promptly retired. — I have always done things the right way. And found myself at the back of the queue. Then I met this guy Smillew Rahcuef who taught me how to be shameless … and I have never looked back. His motto is the 3 B’s: Bullshit Baffles Brains I took to…

A chef’s tale — Most chefs I have encountered are by nature filthy-minded beasts. And the females are the worst. All chefs swear like troopers (that’s why they’re called a brigade), they fuck like rabbits – anything with a pulse, they drink like fish, they snort shit like … whatever snorts shit a lot…

I always come up smelling of roses — I have always “aced” self-assessment tests. In fact, I have never met anybody who has failed a self-assessment test. Except once. I test myself for a lump on my scrotum and then realise it’s not a lump, it’s just an erection. My wife tries to build my confidence, saying: I…

I do love a decent bitch complaint about my writing. It sort of makes everything worthwhile, doesn’t it? — Today, I received a response to my comment I’d left on a great article by Christine Stevens. Everything in my being said — do not respond. Just leave it. And then I obviously did the exact opposite and responded. Christine did not comment, but she did clap for my comment…