Would you put up with this level of service? — “Excuse me, I ordered the chicken Yakitori with fried noodle and fresh tomato sauce. This looks like Gyoza,” I exclaimed. “Hahaha. Yes, it is Gyoza, enjoy it,” and the waitress walked off, laughing uncontrollably to herself. Stopping only to explain to her manager how badly she had messed up. Soon…

I received an invitation in the mail, not email, but real surface mail. It was quite exciting. — The invitation read:- Welcome to our BBQ, UVE, please join us to celebrate Memorial Day Weekend from midday. Note: This dialogue is between my hosts, and me. I am in italics, they are in bold italics. I was really excited, so I packed my weekend bag and arrived just after…

The Phillip Schofield Story — I am not as famous as Mr. Schofield, but this isn’t about being famous, it is about being morally upright. So with that in mind, I want to take this opportunity to admit that I have lied. When I started my first restaurant, aged 22, I had a sexual relationship…

The art of consuming canapés and not looking like a complete food paedo. — I’ve made my fair share of canapés. Restaurants make a fortune from them. People always think canapés are a cheap, popular option. It’s neither. …

For your reading pleasure, an independent panel of just one, has “mouse” selected, (so much better than hand-selected), 5 of his personal favourites for this weekend’s reading pleasure. — Euthanize the kids, drown the dog, walk the goldfish, and ignore the cat. After all, you got TABBY because she can fend for herself, so let her fend. Disconnect the lawnmower, throw the car keys in the sewer, and disconnect the internet (just after downloading these beauties). …

Nothing says faecal matter more than a dirty smartphone resting on your earlobes. — PS — Don’t you just love the toilet brush in this picture? It is meant to clean the toilet … and it is decidedly more filthy. But not as filthy as your smartphone, perhaps. Confessional: When last did you confess my child? Parishioner: 2 weeks ago Father. Confessional: And when…

Or not. The listicle that lacked the energy to even be a list. — What is this modern trend to use military-grade metal water bottles in our homes? On a battlefield. Yes. But in the home? Seriously! I recently read between the lines of an article by Philip Ogley about how amazed people were by the invention of glass when they first saw it. …

At a push, we could help out a dog up to 8 kilograms. — I’d just watched a TV show about what should be in your medicine ‘cabinet’. So I checked ours. Old movie stub tickets were not on the medical needs list. Actually calling it a ‘cabinet’ or ‘chest’ is a stretch. …

Some want to be 007, Mother Teresa, or President for a day. I just want to shout “Clear” and let that sucker go. Just once. — The thought of shouting “clear” with the Defib paddles in my hands fill me with a warm ooze. It is the only reason I would consider becoming a doctor. Keep the salary … or maybe use it to find me ‘defib customers’. I am not interested in saving lives, after…